Dead Body Living Soul

I am not sure how one is supposed to start a blog but I thought it only fitting that I introduce myself. Hi, my name is Hannah. I am 24 years old, am the oldest of three, and have two younger brothers. I am an educator by trade, a teacher at heart, and a coach in mind.

In my mothers belly I survived 9/11 and participating in a demolition derby (she didn’t know I was in there yet okay). As a child I remember being so overwhelmed by the beauty of this world. The exuberances of a child is such a beautiful thing. I felt blessed and astonished at my ability to simply see. The place I grew up, affectionately named “the compound”, was the most beautiful place to me. Sometimes it still is. The tress in the breeze, the tall grass waiting to be cut for hay, the colors of a sunset streaked across the sky. I would just sit and thank God for giving such gifts to me. I strive to reclaim such gratitude.

When I was in the first grade I started to notice this feeling in my right shoulder. I couldn’t ignore it. I couldn’t move enough to satiate the feeling there. I told my mom and at first she brushed me off. Then the feeling crept into my neck and soon my left shoulder too. I complained again and they could see it. Some invisible force plaquing me. By the time they figured out what was wrong with me my whole body was affected. I was diagnosed with Tourette syndrome. My elementary years where the hardest. I never fully “grew out of it” as I was repeatedly told I would, but its manageable now. They flare up much more when I am stress. My worst ones involve scrunching my nose and contorting my face, blinking and squeezing my eyes shut, and squeezing my finger tips so my nails dig into the skin. When most people think Tourette’s they may think of someone like Baylen from Baylen Out Loud. I love Baylen she is amazing and she has given the Tourette’s community representation like never before. However her experience doesn’t represent the majority of the Tourette’s community. About 1.4 million Americans have Tourette syndrome (CDC). About 44% are reported to have moderate or severe tics (CDC). She has lots of vocal tics while I rarely have vocal tics, most of mine are motor tics. There is a stereotype about Tourette’s, how its portrayed in the movies. Some may have that type of experience, and God bless them I know it is so hard to live with. But next time you think of Tourette’s just know it’s not a joke. Actually I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

In the fourth grade suddenly my knees swelled so big I could barely walk and spent most of the fourth grade in a wheel chair or on crutches. While my mother resisted the urge to kill the doctors that insisted it was all in my head I was repeatedly tested for arthritis (which was always negative). Eventually I was diagnosed with Osgood Schlatter disease. I eventually could walk again but since then struggled not to walk with a limp in one way or another. It continued to flare up throughout my adolescent until I stopped growing.

Middle school was some rough years for me. I know they aren’t exactly a cake walk for anyone, but…. yikes. I continued to struggle with back pain, hip pain, headaches, and over all joint pain. That’s when I really started to struggle mentally from it. Eventually I survived and made it to high school. That’s where I first was introduced to field hockey. It was a fast and hard love affair. I gave my all to it and regardless of the pain I was in the best shape of my life. I gained back some of the weight in the off season but sophomore year I was running a 7 minute mile and had legs of steel. Until in a game I was running with the ball. A girl much smaller than me was coming at me head on. Well lets just say neither of us was willing to veer in our human game of chicken. I looked up to find a hole to pass through, and there she was. We headbutted each other. She went flying onto the ground and I tried to recover as my vision went black for a moment (my nickname was “The Wall” for a reason). I played the rest of the game stumbling and emotional. When the athletic trainer asked if I was sad I just cried harder and told him I was pissed. The end result was a concussion that took my out for the rest of the season and out of school for three months.

I blossomed a lot in my last two years of high school. I graduated with 12 college credits and an advanced diploma. Shortly there after I received my fibromyalgia diagnosis. I want you to know, no one just “gets” a fibro diagnosis. Hypercalcemia, hyperthyroidism, hypothyroidism, multiple sclerosis, arthritis, lupus, Sjogren’s, Lyme’s disease, ankylosing spondylitis, anemia, diabetes, and polymyalgia rheumatica. Those included, but aren’t just limited to the heath conditions I was tested for to rule them out. The saddest part is you pray for one of those conditions to be the culprit because if it really is fibromyalgia the doctors best advice is to live your life in bubble wrap and “don’t stress”. If I cry, I’m down for the rest of the day. If I get to excited, I’m exhausted and can’t even enjoy what I was so excited about. But ah yes I never thought about the sage advice of “just don’t stress” (and these people have medical degrees sheesh).

After high school I started coaching field hockey. I was in love more than ever before. I got to combine my two favorite things teaching and field hockey. I ran the JV program at my alma mater for 3 years. Then I was causelessly fired (that’s a story for another day). God had a plan though and I became head coach at another high school. Since I graduated high school I worked full time in the public schools, I went to college full time, and I coached. I took any job they would give me in the classroom. Numeracy paraprofessional, special education and learning disabilities teacher, long term subbing, regular subbing, and I loved it all. Because to me it wasn’t about the job it was about helping the students and shaping young minds. It didn’t hurt that it also counted as my practicums and student teaching for college. I did that for six years until I graduated with my bachelors in secondary education social studies and history 6-12 and obtained my teaching licensure. I am so grateful for God seeing me through and blessing me as he has. But after six years of going 1000% 24/7 I was broken. I was hard headed and wanted things done my way, the fastest way, and it cost me what health I had.

I was at the end. The good part I was supposed to enjoy. Being done with school in a full time teaching position that could turn long term once I got my licensure in. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t show up consistently let alone get out of bed most days. One day I even had to be taken from work to the hospital. They said they needed to replace me. I understood and I knew my students deserved better but I was so devastated. I started subbing a few days a week and even that was to hard at times. I never know when I am going to get hit with what symptoms. I barely remember two years of those six years due to the panic disorder I developed and the drinking I tried to combat it with. People though I had it all together but I was miserable.

A few more diagnosis’s and break downs later and here I am. Happier than I have been in… I couldn’t tell you. I have since learned my lesson about waiting for Gods timing and that nothing is worth your health and wellbeing. I am an unfinished sculpture. That’s the beauty of life in a way though. None of us are ever done being molded by God, as long as we stay moldable. I have lived lots of life. I have learned lots of lessons but I am not done yet. I am here to spread the good news, to be an advocate for the chronic illness community, to be an advocate for education, to be an advocate for the American people, and to share my story. When I stopped trying to fit into this impossible perfect mold and meet some timeline I made up for myself in my head, I realized I could just live.

I invite you to just live with me. To take this space to share – to grow- to connect with others. I hope to get to know you.